right on cue! i was told. now the rest is all for the stabilization.
connection. it has to be. mind and heart has to agree. otherwise, it’s all shams. geez. talk about processing. it’s hard work!! especially if one has mastered to breathe denial of one or the other. now it’s all learning and unlearning.
shhh….i’m listening.
when does one decides to make things right?
when does one choose to do what is right?
shouldn’t it be, when the ones you love most, hurt?
shouldn’t it be when the ones you love most , put their lives at risk?
shouldn’t it be when the ones you love most already say they hate you for hurting them?
but then perhaps, you don’t really love them after all.
sayang lang pala.
as i remember
ang nalalabing buhay dito sa daigdig,
ang siyang magpapatunay sa ‘yong maririnig
ang sa diyos ay dalangin ako’y laging tapat,
ano man maging akin, yan ang iyong lahat.
lahat ng paano, lahat ng saan,
lahat ng gaano at ng kailan
ang bawat bakit, may pagkukulang,
ulan at init, may ‘di hadlang.
sa pag-aalinlangan, at pagiging tiyak
sa pangangailangan at biyayang sapat
pagbabakasakali, minsa’y mabibigo
ngunit mananatili, pag sinta’y lalago.
sa karamdaman, at sa lakas
hanggang sa paghinga’y magwawakas
walang patakaran ang aking pagtanggap
iniibig kita, ikaw lahat.
040994
If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience or does He give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage or does He give him the opportunity to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings or does He give them opportunities to love each other?
re-venge
[ri-venj]
- verb
1. to exact punishment or expiation for a wrong on behalf of, esp. in a vindictive or resentful spirit
2. to take vengeance for; inflict punishment for; avenge
vengeance is usually wrathful, vindictive, furious.
God promised revenge. not just justice but R E V E N G E . Rom. 12:19
so it begins.
there’s this filipino song that i’ve taught my kids in school. i learned it myself when i was a preschooler. and it goes a lil’ sumthin’ like this:
Ikot, ikot ikot, Ikot, ikot ikot, hila, hila, pok pok pok. Gupit ng gupit at tahi ng tahi, gupit ng gupit at tahi ng tahi, gupit ng gupit at tahi ng tahi, gupit ng gupit at tahi ng tahi. in English, it goes like so: Wind, wind wind (the thread) Wind, wind wind (the thread) pull pull, pound, pound pound. Cut and cut and sew and sew, cut and cut and sew and sew. cut and cut and sew and sew. cut and cut and sew and sew.
the kids love it because we sing this as regular senior kindergarten kids, as babies, where they sing with a soft voice and do the actions in a baby-like manner, and as giants, singing with big and loud voices, with arms stretched out. then laughter. then, again teacher, again!
isn’t it ironic how a preschool song echo so much of the complexities of adulthood? it’s suppose to be amusing and fun. well, to the kids, it is. but really, to me, the teacher, an adult, as i sing along with the children, can’t help but sigh in every other stanza. it’s a talent, by the way.
ikot, ikot ikot; ikot, ikot ikot ah yes, ikot meaning, wind, round, circles…i have been going through the motions of it. circles. i run, walk, crawl, drag myself, in circles. and because it’s in circles, i feel i haven’t gone anywhere and worst yet, have probably dug a hole by going ’round and round. so, if that’s not bad enough, hear the next line where it goes hila hila pull. puuuulllll. have you tried having someone pull your arms in opposite directions? yeah..pain. at hindi lang yan…there’s the pok pok talk about hitting yourself on the head. for going ’round circles, and being pulled from all directions. then it’ll be summed up by the next stanza where you cut, as to cutting or being cut is painful as to prunning. and then we sew. where we mend. we fix. we alter.
the complexities of adulthood. where art thou, peter pan?
Let me tell you about this man.
14 years, 6 months a couple days and 3 minutes ago, when the 2 lines appeared, i was feeling sick in the stomach. i wasn’t exactly ready for it, feared i didn’t have the makings of a good mom, and i was in the brink of throwing up due to nausea — literally. and he held my hand. at the right time, at the right place. pogi points #1. after Alexis’ first photo was taken, and we had to walk to the cashier to pay for the bill, all that mattered to me at that moment was to get to that chair…nausea hits again. as he rushed along towards the chair with me, he had this silly looking smirk on his face that i couldn’t help but notice. “what’s with your face?” i gruntly asked. “i’m happy” he just said. pogi points #2. he doesn’t like to read books. but he made that trip to the bookstore ALONE to purchase a pregnancy book (for me), wrote my name on it and READ IT. it was amusing to see him hold up a pea pod and say out loud ganito pa lang siya ka liit o! pogi points #3. and as my belly grew and the discomfort grew as well, he just read every book there is and trusted his instincts to help me along. gave the best back massages, bought Angelino’s pizza right before closing time, rub my belly to STOP me from scratching it, spring bounce from the bed in the wee hours of the morning to stretch out my cramping leg, let me do my fetish of plucking his growing beard, pulling me at just the right time before passing out over a tower of Planters’ cheese curls at the Duty Free…..pogi points #s 4 5 6 7 8 & 9. and when the time came, oh, he was prepared. with paper and pen on hand to monitor contraction intervals, he also had scrabble on stand by. (a page on one of the pregnancy books suggested that during labor, to help ease the mother’s stress over the labor pains, distract her by playing soothing music or share stories or play scrabble… o ha!) and he in fact asked me: want to play scrabble, Ta? pogi points #10.
while he failed to see all his kids soon after they were born, due to miscalculation of the length or shortness of my labor (Sir, kumain muna kayo, matagal pa po ‘to. 2cm palang po eh –NOT), he has seen his kids through, first day of school, attempted pony tails, doctors’ and ER visits, math homeworks, bullying, vacations, diaper change, baths, burping, midnight feeding, first IV insertion, basketball games, circumcision, sports, air sickness and a whole lot more.
he is my affiliate, my ally in this business of child rearing.
he is my husband and the father of our four children.
i am resisting the urge NOT to greet you on this day because i am trying to understand why you never did greet me on the universal day for mothers.(or is it more of a payback?) i remember how you reasoned: eh, you’re not my mom naman e. hmp. fine.—- (silence) —– but it is just seven in the morning, and not only can i contain myself from greeting you, but have the whole world (wishful thinking that the whole world does visit my blog) understand that even if you’re not my dad, you are a dad i salute and i honor you on this day. HAPPY FATHER’S DAY.
it wasn’t until a couple of hours ago that i google(d) and youtube(d) this song that i’ve been hearing Lui sing for some time now. well, it’s playing on loop now on itunes as i write this. i love it. i just wonder though if it’s fitting for a teeny bopper to be singing a song of such depth. but heck, so what. the song hits me home run. and i am not embarrassed to say that after a few times that i’ve read the lyrics (and sang along with it), i cry.
i’ve been through one hellava trek. one that is so very painful to look back to. but i do so and by poor choices, visit the path once or twice of a time. not that i’ve left something behind, but am just lured to sitting on the same tree stump and hitting myself on the head. ouch. then i get up and walk again. wasting time. wasting energy. enough to slow me down to get to the next camp. consequently hitting the harsh winds head on. shushing the murmurs of the “you can’t” monsters. but i push. i take another step. because there really is no other choice. even when i want to quit and i just stand there. morning comes, and i’ve no frostbite. so i continue to walk. sometimes, to my dismay. one foot after the other. a Jumar and ice axe action here and there. before i know it, i’m at the next camp. and painful as it is to look back, i then realize that there is a back to look at because i’ve already moved forward.
i am currently at a camp. i don’t know what number and the summit is — but a figment of my imagination perhaps. but right now, i’m enjoying the warmth of the sleeping bags. hot tea. a few stories shared. and rest. and in doing so, i learn a thing or two. i wise up. i strategize. i keep the faith. and continue the climb.
in the song, it says : it’s not about what’s on the other side. um, not quite true. because i am anticipating that time, when i’m at the summit He will pat me on the back and say: well done my good and faithful servant, well done.
I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I’m gonna to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s The Climb
The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I mean I know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,
There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I’m gonna to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith
The Climb/Miley Cyrus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2zyeVRcbs
disclaimer: the video’s got nothing to do with what i’ve written. but it’s the only way i could get you to listen along.
healing
[hee-ling]
- adjective
1. curing or curative; prescribed or helping to heal.
2. growing sound; getting well; mending.
-noun
3. the art or process or regaining health
-verb
4. to set right; repair.
5. to restore (a person) to wholeness.
i am.
Dear God,
2 days ago, you’ve proven 35 years of goodness, faithfulness, and grace. you’ve not only done this but promised yet another year of bestowed blessings. san ka pa?! with that, God, i am thankful.
i am thankful for this man whom i have shared more than half of my life with. for the many things that i have learned and he has taught. whether consciously or otherwise. who i am now, no doubt, has to do something because of who he is. allow me to elaborate.
he has taught me to do laundry. and loved it. and for my friends who know me well, they know that when i am doing laundry, i am in a good place. i’ve experienced the joy of being come home to. and because of this, i make sure that when i come home, no matter how tired i am, i look for my family, each one of them and say hello, get a hug, or a kiss or back rub. i’ve learned (and still learning) to live in the now. to seize the moment. that dishes will get washed. and beds will get made. i’ve learned to try and try and try and try until you get it right and that it is really futile to cry over spilled milk. he has made me develop my love for reading. and writing. cryptograms and sudoku. i now have a keener eye for color. kaya lang, have put my sense of smell on hold. i’ve come to appreciate early mornings. eating breakfast. and bananas. i’ve learned that knowing the right time for just-about-everything is essential. my favorite beverage for the past 4 years– water and i am reaping the benefits. exercise gives you more energy to perform in any rigorous activity. put your best foot forward and your not-so-best right beside it. i am thankful for this man who has given me a whole new perspective on commitment, that it is during hard times that it is defined the most; on perseverance, in wanting to quit, you keep taking that other step; on our children, that when we hurt, they hurt doubly; in saying sorry, it is because you hurt for hurting someone; that in letting go, it can be a good thing. through the years he has helped me identify my weaknesses and magnify my strengths. (however, some would’ve been better off locked in pandora’s box.) i have experienced being in love in the shallowest (if there is such a word) gradeschool form to the deepest, never-would-have-thought-love-can-be-this-way kind. (there is just so much more to write about…..)
You have gifted me with this man even way before i met him. your goodness, faithfulness and grace so evident from the time you have given him life, constantly reminds me that you are real. Thank you for this present, beautifully packaged (coveted by many), work in progress , awaken up to every morning, embraced by at night, blessed to have chosen me to walk alongside with to glorify you.
In Jesus’ name, amen.
