of big windows and trees
March 15 marked THE day of the beginning of the V word. VACATION. i had it all planned. the first week was solely for cleaning and decluttering. the second week, while i had to report for work, i had the afternoons free for rearranging, organizing and if the money permits, a bit of repainting. the third week was to enjoy the fruits of labor of the 1st and 2nd week, plus the much awaited stress free getaway with the CE girls. the week after that, holy week, was to be spent with the family – to connect, reconnect, revitalize, energize, of course, reflect (which should not only happen during the lent). perfect. i will be happy– everybody will be happy.
it has been a little over 40 days since THE day, and nothing, nothing that i have wanted and planned has come to be. a nasty nasty virus has hit the household and one after the other, the members were taken without warning. physically drained and tired, it has taken a toll on the spirit as well. unfortunately. pandora’s box has made a leak of it’s stench. relationships strained. communication unwired. blame, disappointment, confusion and just a heavy blanket of weary hung over everyone else’s shoulders. This ain’t the way it’s suppose to be!!! i yelled, cried and wept to the maker of my tomorrows. i just refused to wake up to another day of all this. enough. but even before i could claim my enough, my children got terribly ill. naman. i thought. nope, that’s an understatement. naman!! i grumbled about. couldn’t i even just have this!?!? augh. and so, the mother in me, just had to lay everything else on hold, including my distress to tend to my daughter who was sick and was later on shadowed by her younger brother. they come in pairs i would say. it was a surprise that we were able to get a room in a hospital where the word vacancy was not oftened. at 9pm, my daughter was wheeled in and carried off to her slightly inclined bed, feverish and all. my folks who were gracious enough to help me through, said their prayers and bade me, him and my daughter goodbye. soon, he had to go too. i sat on the sofa turned into a make shift bantay’s bed. too tired. too disappointed. much too sleepy. but everybody knows that when you are tagged to sleep in with someone who is sick, that sleep is but a dream. i got up to check on her, gave her a sponge bath, a drink, take her to the bathroom or was awakened by the door’s unlocking or the nurse’s supposed whispering. it’s then 5:30ish in the morning. and with the room’s big window, the morning light crept in. i pulled the curtains to the side. still not sure of what’s out there. he and our eldest daughter walked in the room to bring breakfast. spoke a little while then left. i freshened up a bit and slouched back into my nook and was finally allowed to take a nap. my daughter woke me up saying she has to pee. so, we went through the whole morning routine. medicines included. it was around 9am. we discovered that the hospital does not carry cable nor internet services. too disgusted to see and hear spongebob speak our native language, i told my daughter that she could play with the games installed in my laptop instead. what to do? what to do? i rummaged into my laptop bag for my pencil case and my journal. i flipped pages and pages of it until i got into a blank page. with pen on hand, i was ready to rant my way through the rest of the morning. i leaned back towards the wall, place a pillow on my lap and then i wrote in big bold red inked letters: W -H-Y. i scribbled my many questions, complained and demanded for some logical explanation to all this mayhem generously bestowed upon my already beatened and tired soul. then some movement caught the corner of my eye. i looked towards the window, the big big window and outside were trees. many of them. standing not too far from each other. and they were dancing. swaying from all directions.then all of a sudden everything seemed so quiet. deafening Dora and boots at the back ground. serenity and tranquility flooded the room. i could almost hear the leaves rustling against each other. i’m not exactly fascinated by trees per se, it’s that, tall and strong as they stand, when the wind blows, they sway. not fighting it off. surrendering to it…and they seem ok with it too. peaceful –even my turmoiled spirit have seemed so. He again, speaks.
this is least to say that i have no more of them days of the big W H Y S. heck, the house is still in shambles, pretty much the way i left it or worse even, i’m the last man standing from fighting the virus, there still are cold nights, words better left unsaid (but too late the hero), my enough lingering —- but as often as i am disrupted and snarled at by all these monsters, i tighten my grip and try as much so to remember and even say out loud – be still (Psalm 46:10). because as He has promised, He will restore. ( Joel 2: 25). and so i cling. and i claim.
the view
Leave a Reply